:: It is not within me to be silent ::
Semi-regular filthy-minded misogynist rants coupled with philosophical treastises into the nature or gender politics. Though I'm not always right, I'm very rarely wrong.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003 ::
As I've gotten older, I've had to face the fact that surprisingly, there are people out there who don't like me. Shockingly, some consider me to be abrasive. I believe it's because they don't get my pecuiliar brand of humor, or because they're stupid bitches. I will say that yes, I do strive to be abrasive and obnoxious, if only for the sake of making myself laugh. I am the end all be all of humor, because if I'm laughing, I don't care if someone else doesn't get it. I know that my sense of humor is filthy and disturbing. But I think it's funny.
The girl I dated at work said: Just watch out, I'll kill you.
I said: Just marry me, I'll kill myself.
And a girlfriend said: God, I drank too much last night, I feel like I'm going to die.
Me: Sweet, we'd finally be able to try anal sex! You wouldn't get mad if I sodomized your corpse would you? Of course you wouldn't, you'd be dead!
My friend at work: Man, it must suck to be a bird, all they do is eat, hop around, crap. They don't even masturbate.
Me: What? Birds masturbate.
Him: No they don't, how do birds masturbate?
Me: They wing it.
Girl I dated at work: Smile!
Me: I'm not going to waste my smile on you.
I think this is funny. Really funny. Okay, so there might be something wrong with me, but still...
Hi, my name is asshole, I drive a HUGE F-350! I will cut you off twice, because you're in a dinky little saturn station wagon, and therefore, don't deserve my big truck respect.
You know, if all that this person had done was to cut me off, I could forgive. People piss me off, but I don't hold a grudge. But.
This fucking jizzrag stopped dead, STOPPED DEAD after going 45 in a 35. Why, you ask? Were there ducks crossing the road? A bevy of schoolchildren? Perhaps Santa and the Easter Bunny were pirouetting across the road in front of their huge truck? Toxic waste spill? Nuclear accident? A coffin ejected from a hearse?
No, of course not. It was a box. Dangerous, dangerous cardboard. This bitch actually stopped dead because there was a box in the road in front of them. In their 3 ton F-350., that they probably take offroading on weekends, tearing up precious wetland and green covered earth, destroying trees and the homes of animals. A FUCKING BOX! YOU. FUCKING. PUSSY!
After they veered into the next lane, cleverly waiting until there was someone already there, as to send them spinning into the curb, they pulled ahead and sped away at about 55 in a construction zone.
Whereas I simply hit my gas and lightly pushed the empty box aside as I kept driving. It's probably not very smart to keep driving after I've tapped a cardboard box lightly with my car, but dammit, I'm a rebel!
I will say this. I thank God today for making me poor, because if I had the money for a gun, I would have killed this trucking asshole. Killed them and then set their huge fucking truck on fire and pissed on their burning corpse, after which I would then set it afire again, drink 4 bottles of water and then proceed to piss a second time.
I told the new girl, D, these jokes. She laughed at the first one, laughed at the third one, but the second one, of which I'm the most proud, she said "Oh, that's just gross." I said "But that's my sense of humor, gross but funny, right?" "No", she replied, shattering my hopes into pieces, "It's just gross."
Ouch. Yeah, it's gross, but dammit, I think it's hilarious! These are the kinds of jokes I make ALL THE TIME. This may be a problem in the future.
:: Paul 9:03:00 PM [+] ::
...
| boz's ring Ring Owner: boz Site: boz's ring |
||||
| PREV | LIST | RANDOM | JOIN | NEXT |
powered by  bravenet.com |
||||
