:: It is not within me to be silent ::
Semi-regular filthy-minded misogynist rants coupled with philosophical treastises into the nature or gender politics. Though I'm not always right, I'm very rarely wrong.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003 ::
Some sad shit
My grandfather died in bed. With a hooker. Seriously. He was 75, I think. He had died once before, in his truck, pronounced dead on the scene, then later revived on his way to the coroners. My dad wanted him to sue, but he was uninterested. He was quite a man. As for the hooker thing, it's the way I want to go, too. Preferably with my wife in the middle of a clench, but a hooker is good, too. I hope I'm 1/3 the man he was when he went.
Death is on my mind today, in all its myriad ways. It's such a finality, even those who believe in a reward or punishment in the end have to admit that the only people to tell us about what is on the other side, are all still alive. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I can consider right now.
Ergo, there is no other side, or, there is only reincarnation.
I fear death, and with every passing of anyone that I even remotely know, it's like death is closer and closer. I feel like I'm on a board game, and each piece that gets knocked off the board brings death a little nearer to me. I hate death, the very idea that life should be so final disturbs me. The idea that we get one lifetime to do the things we want and need offends me. It's the cosmic joke syndrome, that life should be so valuable and short for some, yet so cheap and long for others. I am a huge coward, I'll slow down if I see someone put their brakes on in the other lane... 200 feet ahead!
I'm so fucking sad. I really rarely get depressed or sad or low or anything, but this is kicking my ass. This is my best friend. I feel so fucked up and lost. Every time I think of it I get close to tears, proving to the world that I'm a big old pussy. I try to be more upbeat and not down or somber while I'm at work, or around the family. I don't know if I'll be able to do that today, but we'll see. I'm going to see him after work.
I hate having to lean on anyone. I hate telling anyone my problems or having to deal with anyone. I know I love it when people need or want me, but I have having to want or need anyone else. Especially when things are bad. I can be there for others but I don't want anyone to be there for me. I don't want to depress anyone else or get anyone else in the place where my head is at. This blog is wonderful for so many reasons, chief among them is that I can be honest and express my feelings, get some people to tell me they feel bad, and then go on. I don't have to deal with anyone else other than electronically. This is perfect for me. I can get comfort without feeling that I've ruined anyone's days or anything like that. I don't have to feel like I'm leaning on anyone, because I've never met them and probably never will.
And I did see him after work, and it was worse than I could have imagined. More than a fear, worse than a nightmare. This is my best fucking friend, and all I can think of is that he won't make it. I've started praying, I am a Christian, but I'm not very good at it. I end up railing at God and then appealing then screaming again.
Some happy shit
I think I'm losing my pimpitude.
Seriously. My luck with women is rapidly becoming the exact opposite of luck. Unluck. I used to have women approaching me, attempting to talk to me, handing me their phone numbers. Nowadays, nothing. I'm high and dry. I don't even get a second look. Either I've gotten uglier or women have gotten pickier. Maybe it's time for a change. I'm thinking of shaving my head and getting contacts. Or something new and drastic. My lust has grown, which I think is directly transverse to what I was expecting. I thought that my urges would disappear after a while, instead, they've grown. It's not like it's been that long, what, 2 months? And yet, man, my meat-sabre swells when the wind blows. I'm constantly thinking about sex with a variety of women in a variety of ways. My thought of beauty has grown expotentially as well.
Allow me to explain. It used to be, only the most beautiful, funniest, smartest women would even get my attention. Nowadays, she could pick her nose and rub it in her hair and I'd say "Hmm, but she was so ladylike when she did it." or worse. I find myself making excuses for women, ie "well, I'm sure she's not really crosseyed, that's probably just a lazy eye., or "She's very pretty, until she smiles. I'll just make sure she doesn't smile." or the fabulously worse "Sure she doesn't know who the president is, but she's got a great ass."
And again, when I'm quiet today because I'm a little sad, people comment on it. I swear, people complain that I talk to much, so when I clam up, they claim I'm talking too little. I can't win!
Man, I haven't really cooked anything in a long time. I mean, I've cooked, but mostly small things or quick things. I have about a million recipes that I want to try, but part of it is that I hate getting in my roommates way when I cook, as I would if it was anything elaborate. I hate that, the feeling that my roommate, also the homo-ner, is annoyed with me for doing something wrong or being in the way. So I think twice before I do something or make something or cook something.
Hahaha, someone got to my page by looking for Thora Birch's breasts. I love this world.
Okay, I'm freshly back from the bar. Yes, my best friend is in the hospital with liver and kidney failure and I went to the bar. It wasn't completely selfish, if I didn't get drunk, I'd end up crying for hours. My brother, the man I call "the asshole" took me to the hospital to see the man that should have been my brother, and then took me to the bar afterwards to help me forget what I'd seen. I don't know that I could thank him enough. This is far more than I ever expected. And also, as a surprise, the girl at work who I dated, and now hates me, was actually... sweet. And nice to me, when I told her. I was shocked, I was expecting her to be a total fucking bitch, but she was nice and sympathetic. Not at all what I was expecting. It almost made me cry just to see that she wasn't treating me like shit.
:: Paul 1:44:00 AM [+] ::
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